TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have A further spot the place American Males can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide All people a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting consideration from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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